In just a little over three weeks, I will return to teaching. This in itself isn't unusual, but this time, I will be leaving someone behind. Liam will only be three months old when I go back to work. As someone who was home with her first three babies, practiced extended nursing, co-sleeping, and just being there-I am a little worried.
This isn't a lifestyle choice. I am not working to make a second car payment (both our cars are paid off). I am not working for a fancy house (three bedroom rental). I am not working for vacations or fancy clothes. I am working because I am the primary breadwinner in our family, and no matter how we crunched the numbers, even our best case scenario fell several hundred dollars short.
So. I guess I need a place to talk about it. A place to vent my anger that Liam has to drink formula all day, because as a teacher, pumping time would be limited to my conference hour, and if I don't work then, I will have to stay later after school. Seeing Liam is preferable to gathering a few ounces of milk.
I can't believe I will kiss that chubby face goodbye and not see him again for NINE hours. It hurts. It makes me sick. It breaks my heart. But...what can I do?
I can make the best of it. I can breastfeed when I am home. Snuggle him as much as I can. Love him and hold him when I get home. I can try and plan for a future when I am home, but to wonder-after I get used to working, will he be a nuisance to me? Will that eye-gazing bond break, and leave me frustrated and feeling like he is just one more thing on my plate? I hope not.
