Free Range Kids

I love this quote on the silliness of modern parenting:

"Even Mozart didn't grow up hearing Mozart. (But his kids did, and whoever heard of them?)

Plate-Lickin' good Liam food

I finally found a nonsweet food Liam loves so much he finished it off and licked the plate:

Salmon salad. I just mashed some canned salmon with some mayo (real, of course-and if you can make yourself with olive oil rather than soybean oil(ugh) all the better. I didn't though). On the first bite, his eyes lit up, and when I stopped feeding him, he picked up the plate and finished it off.
Finally something he likes better than scrambled eggs!

Course now he is chewing on a shoe, so I can't speak too much for his palate.

Unassisted Childbirth

My only homebirth baby turned 12 yesterday. Happy birthday, Taryn Elizabeth!

Eieieiei

Liam is learning to sing along to Old MacDonald. This entails drawling out, "E I E I E I.." Maybe someday he'll get the "O" on there. Love that baby.

Frustration

Liam is doing beautifully. Of course, right now he is getting his corner teeth and nips at me all the time (why me?) which is frustrating. He walks, a weeble-wobble teetering from side to side. Except he does fall down. 
I have been thinking again about a preschool-daycare. Not this year, most likely, but in a year or so. I thought about doing a waldorf-inspired preschool, and offering all day services if desired.
I don't want to do true waldorf because I am not trained, and I don't really "believe" in the entire waldorf philosophy. But to have a quiet preschool, where children can play with natural toys, and learn songs, and finger plays, watercolors, and such, and slowly be introduced into academics (alphabet and numbers, shapes, etc) would be nice.
But I don't want to be strong into a philosophy where I can't occasionally pop in a Barney tape on a rainy day.

I started researching to try and find advice and ran into the AP stuff that was unpleasant, particularly regarding people who don't live their ideals or who turn vastly away from it. This controversy was the Hygeia Halfmoon one, but it also mentioned the Mango Mama issue. It just reminded me how easy it is to get lost in ideals, to be taken advantage of, to be a hypocrite, or to even burn out. I want balance. I don't believe the mainstream has it right, but certain aspects of it aren't bad. I certainly don't want to rob anyone of their choice on how to parent. I don't want to force someone to breastfeed or look down on someone who lets their kid watch a little TV.
But then I started to feel shame. Shame because I do have all or nothing tendencies. Shame that I want to homeschool my children. Am I just wanting to control them and make them dependent on me? I don't think so. I think I want to share my love of learning with them, and do projects, and introduce them to the amazing variety and great thinkers of the past before forced learning robs them of the joy of discovery. But I can't help but wonder.
I don't want them to be like me and think learning only matters if you are getting a grade on it (where's the proof of knowledge with the credit hours on your transcript). But I dont' want to smother them either.
Things to think about, I suppose.
I do tend to overresearch things until I am unsure of everything I want. I wish I could operate more on gut or heart. I'd be happier.

Love,
Jill

Okay, I am a sucker

And an inappropriate toy buying one at that. This weekend, I just couldn't resist:

Of COURSE Liam is too young to run the train on the track. He even prefers the shiny red passenger car to Thomas. But *I* love Thomas and I couldn't resist.


Liam, however, really just likes anything with wheels.

On two feet

Liam is beginning to let go and test his balance on two feet. It's funny, because at this point all the other children were walking. But Liam is cautious and serious, and works at his own pace. And it's sweet. One of these day, he may even walk. Imagine.

Decisions? At this point?

Since I found out little Liam was on his way, I have been going back and forth over the stay at home issue.
In some ways, I am lucky to be trained as a teacher (I smile at trained, because I have always been the annoying aunt/friend who gives books as birthday gifts. I just love education), because it is an easier field to jump back into after several years out. Yes, the lingo and "big ideas" change, but children are still children, information is still information. And I am in special ed, which many people don't want to do. This makes the job market easier.

This past year, Karl and I have tag-teamed raising Liam, with backup from my mom and my oldest child, Tierney, who is 16. And amazingly, I love and feel as connected to Liam as my other children. I don't KNOW him quite as well, but the feelings are the same. And that makes sense. When I was a nanny, I did not LOVE the children like my own, and they were still VERY happy to see their parents, even though we had a lot of fun together. Family bonds are strong. As far as Liam is concerned, things are fine.

But I want to be home. I want to stay in my pjs until 10. I want to play on my computer while Liam plays on the floor. I want to bake brownies at one in the afternoon. I want to avoid going outside when it is below freezing, except to play in the snow with Liam.
I am not lazy. But I do crave a life with less stress. And staying home is less stressful. It can be boring, but my job now can be very boring, especially when the students are behaving and learning, and everything fall into place. Snoozefest.

Karl, pending background check and employment history checks, just got a job making about 65% more than he is now (Thanks, Selissa!). Of course, he will lose social security (even though he works 30 a week now, at minimum wage he still qualifies), and have to purchase insurance. This is scary for him because he is 100% dependent on his medication, but at the same time, he wants to be someone Liam can be proud of (I think he already is, though). So, overall, he will bring in about the same amount. We couldn't make it on that.

If I stayed home, I would have to either supplement with a parttime job, or use the money I have paid into retirement (in, Missouri, they take 14% of teacher pay for retirement, whether you want it or not. It's probably a good thing, though). It takes 5 years to get vested in the retirement system. I have just finished three. Of course, at my rate of pay, and with five years in, I would only receive about 300 a month. Not really enough to count on in the future.
And I can't help but think about the future. It will come.
So we talk about waiting. I want to homeschool Liam. I could put more in retirement over the next four years, and then we can take it out for a house, or we could leave it in to get a slightly bigger check back in retirement. I can also go back to work when Liam is older (will anyone hire a 50 year old?).
But then I wonder...Karl and I are not social butterflies. I don't think school provides the optimal social environment (kids get crueler each year-what is wrong with parents? TV? Society? By the way, Christian kids can be just as mean), but neither does staying home with two middle aged parents. How dull for a child. So do we have another baby? Is that really what we want. Oh, of course I want a little girl. But it could be a boy. A house with two small boys? Yuck.
But to keep working and saving is so...normal, so conformist. I need to find an alternative. Maybe freelance writing, but I can't really depend on that until I actually DO it.
What's wrong with me? I have to DO something.

I know what the mature, normal option is. Work and save. Use the cheap public schools. Liam will sink or swim. Be a grownup and get over my own desires.
But I want the alternative option. The one where everyone wins. Liam receives a "freer" upbringing, I have less stress, and we still are able to retire.
 I also need a guaranty that Karl never falls for another woman and leaves me holding the bills. Where do I get that? :O).

Squeeeealllll

At nearly one, Liam has become a squealer. He squeals when he is playing, squeals when he wants attention, and squeals when he is angry.

The other day, he was mad because he couldn't have something he wanted. He balled his hands into fists, closed his eyes tight and let out a long, sharp shriek. Then he stopped, made sure we were looking at him, then went through the whole process again. After doing this a few times, seeing as how we didn't give him what he wanted, he got busy with something else.

Can't wait until he learns more words!

Breast (milk) Enhancement

Recently I have been reading a lot of information on coconut milk, particularly the lauric acid found in coconut milk. Lauric acid is also present in breast milk and some say it is part of the mix that spurs brain development and health.
I have read in some places that when mom takes lauric acid (and omega-3's-eat your salmon) it quickly gets into the breast milk.
So why not add a spoon of coconut milk to your coffee today?

FYI, to those calorie counters coconut milk DOES have high fat and calories, so if you count, don't forget to add them in.
And those who think I should cut back on coffee while breastfeeding...you might be right, but I love it too much. And my kids seem okay......
most of the time.

Has the Green-Eyed Monster Been Tamed?

It's late, and I am sniffling. I was reading over Roscommon Acres, and the days and weeks following the loss of the author's son. What talent and grace she possesses.
Today was another day. A bit frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I am spinning my wheels at work and accomplishing nothing. Sometimes I don't even know what is expected of me. I can't go into detail due to privacy issues, but I can so, special education can be so frustrating.
As I was walking out, a coworker told me she put in her resignation to stay home after this year. I made a crack about being jealous, but honestly,  I am not. I am DELIGHTED for her. I don't think she will ever regret this decision to enjoy her little ones' early years.
But since I am such a jealous little creature, I wondered why don't I feel jealous now?
Am I finally reaching maturity?
Maybe I know that I have made the decision to work myself, regardless of what I say I can and can't do. I COULD get food stamps. I COULD take the 13 or 14 thousand in retirement out. Sure I would have to start over when I got rehired. If I COULD get rehired in my advanced age:o). But....I don't know if that is the right choice.
But feeling like I have a choice, erases the jealousy. And it feels very, very nice to be me.

Cloth vs. Disposable diapers. Why I am a better mom.

With my first two children I used cloth diapers, pretty exclusively, until they trained right around two years.. Taryn used cloth until she was nearly two and I moved into a an apartment. Then she used paper for about six months until she pottytrained. I liked cloth. I liked feeling socially responsible and using what mothers have used through the ages. My exhusband was pretty much on board for any idea I had.
Karl doesn't like cloth. And seeing them through his eyes, I understand. They are more work. They aren't as absorbent. All those cute fancy designs-they are for me. I work. I have a little extra cash (well, not really, but I live like I do).So a bag of diapers every now and then-not a big deal.
Karl's mom keeps buying disposable diapers. And I find myself using them more and more. And as much as I like the alterna way of doing things (landfills aside), I think disposables are better. How lame am I?

I am not, actually. I am doing what is best for Liam's sore little umm, you know. And as hard as is it is to turn my back on the "better" choice, it is better than driving Karl crazy with cloth and Liam getting a sore penis because I can't afford a wardrobe of wool covers to air the diapers out. Make the best choice for my family: that makes me the better mom.
So nyah!

I love this food "pacifier"

I really love this fresh food feeder! Liam tends to gag on small pieces of food if they aren't very very soft. But I can fill this with apple or plum pieces and he can suck and chew away. He really really likes it filled with pineapple. Yum!

Little Liam- a love note

Liam is sleeping on my bed. I suppose I should go move him to his own soon. I love peaceful Friday evenings, when the whole of the weekends still stretches before me, and the house is mine. Of course, every light in the house is on. I should do something about that.
So here is a love note to my son:

Dear Liam,
I love the way you cry when I go to work. Although I don't want you to be unhappy, it makes me feel good that my leaving affects you. I love the slow, big smile that lights up your face when I come home. I love how you say everything we eat or drink now is "hot!" regardless of what it is. I love how you open and close your chubby sweet hands and say "Star" as you look at the stars on your mobiles. Or the light. Or the windchime. Or the ceiling fan.
I love to watch you push your push toy, and listen as you "vroom" while you push the toy car. When you chase your big green ball around the house, knees and hands barely pounding the floor, in your pursuit.
I love snuggling down to nurse you at night, and the way you sit up and wait for me at three in the morning.
I love the joy of watching you unfold, piece by piece. It is hard to imagine that one day you will be big like Caleb. Too big for kisses, embarrassed to be cared for, yet still needing so much. One day you will take the precious grin, sweet and trusting as your daddy's, and head off for a job. One day you will cry with disappointment over a broken heart, and fret with the discontent of middle age. Like all mothers, I only wish your strength will persevere, and you will keep that darling heart which has captivated me.

As you come closer to your first year on Earth, I wonder how long ago your life was planned. Are we part of the ages or just fleeting thoughts? Did you walk with us before you were your own person here, or are a you a brand new creation?
Regardless of the answer, I thank God for your existence. How stunningly phenomenal is the simple life of a mother, and the all-encompassing joy and love of watching others grow.

Love,
Mommy

Liam update-age 11 months

Liam is a whopping 11 months today. It's funny how the first half of the year flies, but then it slows down a bit. He has a bit of a cold and is cutting another tooth, so he is pretty cranky. He has finally learned how to stand and push the little alligator walker, I will have to get the video up at some point. He is not very adept at it. He leans way forward and drags his leg behind one by one. It's pretty funny. He is going to be a late walker. Even now he only tries to stand without holding on a couple times a day. Caleb walked (as defined by making it across the room, not wimpy little steps) the day after his first birthday. He was my latest walker so far. We will see how Liam stacks up.

Liam knows some words "momma, da-da, ba (for bottle), star, cat, SSSS(for sissie)". At least those are what he attempts to say. He understand much more, of course.
He likes to open and close his hands and say "sth-tar" when we sing twinkle, twinkle, although sometimes I think he confuses the meaning of star with mobile and windchime (basically anything we hang up) because both his mobiles hanging from the ceiling have stars on them. But he looks at the windchime outside and says "Star" too. I guess he'll figure it out by college.

Liam sleeps much better at night now. He wakes up 0-2 times, usually after three. But I sort of like night feedings (as long as he goes back to sleep). His naps are still hit or miss. He will nap in the car, but has trouble settling down at home. He is taking a nap now, however.
Liam LOVES toy cars and likes to roll a ball back and forth with someone. He likes knocking blocks down and banging them together.
His eyes are still blue, cheeks still pink, hair still strawberry blonde. I would say red, but I saw a red-headed baby once, and there was a definite difference.

So that's where we stand now.
Fascinating, huh?

Disgusted and Disappointed (AKA does greed always overcome?)

Last year, I started my first subscription to Mothering magazine. I enjoyed it. A bit heavy on the ads and fluff, but I still loved it. I practice extended breastfeeding. I had a homebirth. I don't like jarred baby food. I don't mind cloth diapers (even if Karl does). So when I suddenly stopped getting any issues after only receiving three. I waited. I still received the email sending me to the electronic copy, but I didn't read it because I was waiting for the real thing. The one I could hold in my hands and read in the tub.  I have been extremely busy all winter, so I didn't do much about not receiving it. But today, I finally opened up the digital copy and discovered...this was the last digital copy. They stopped printing in NOVEMBER (even though I paid for the year), now they plan to stop making the magazine at all. They are becoming just another ho-hum website.

I am disappointed. I paid for those issues. I am not impressed. I don't need another website. I wanted a hold-it-in-your hands magazine. Disappointing. I will seek like-minded moms elsewhere. Mothering can take their corporate greed and shove it up their....veganized um, bottoms. Maybe I'll send the a crate of carrots to do so.

Organic, of course.

Liam's newest toy

I had been wanting to get Liam a push-walker for a few weeks, after watching this adorable video, I just had to try to get this one.
It is the "Chomp and Clack Alligator" push toy by Melissa and Doug.Melissa & Doug Deluxe Wooden Chomp and Clack Alligator Push Toy.

Liam is not quite as proficient as the baby in the video. In fact, when he decides to take a step or two with it, I like to keep an arm near for when he goes down. So far, he has only gone down on his knees and not his face, so that's a plus!
I like it because I like wood, and the sound of the "chomping alligators" is more soothing than annoying. Remember those old push "popper" toys? It isn't nearly as annoying as that.
I wish Tierney's camera had worked better, because it really is a gleaming, bright, and lovely toy.

Home is where the baby is

Yes, I am off of work again. This time has led me to realize how much Liam needs me at home. It isn't that Karl doesn't love him, it's just that Karl is a man. He doesn't do all those little teachy things moms do. Half the time, when Karl is sleeping, he doesn't even hear Liam crying three feet away.

I feel torn. For all my wanting to be home, even if we figured out a way financially, I worry about staying home. I worry about getting hired somewhere when I am ready to work again. I also worry A LOT about disappearing. I already feel like I am on the very fringe of life. I usually like that, but without work, I worry that I will completely disappear. I have been a stay-at-home mom before. I know how easy it is to get lost and become a mommy machine that noone sees. And Karl doesn't bring people home either. He says most of the guys at work use drugs (he works in the restaurant industry). It would be a lonely life.

Eh well. I believe in signs, so we'll see what comes of it.

On the brighter side, Tierney gets her braces off at the next visit, and the ortho said Taryn is ready for braces. Exciting! I can't wait to throw another six grand at that! A beautiful smile is worth it, however.

His Mom's Milk was SO Good

I was talking with my nephew yesterday at my mother's house. I was nursing Liam and somehow the topic of breastfeeding came. Rowan, my nephew, said he used to beg and beg his mom to nurse him (as a toddler/preschooler I presume). We asked why and he said," The milk was SOOO good." Then he got a dreamy look on his face and rolled his head back.
I am glad I can give that to Liam.

Real Food for Baby review

I bought this book because I was looking for advice on how to improve the quality of my breast milk. Nina Planck writes that we need to get back to eating "real" food in its more natural state. That means, whole milk, preferably raw, grass-fed beef, along with fruits and veggies.

After reading this, I did buy whole milk. Yes, it does have saturated fat nearly twice the calories as skim milk. It has something else, taste. I am sold on whole milk. After drinking a glass of whole milk, I really do feel satisfied for a couple hours. I don't have that munchy feeling. Now, I haven't tried raw milk. I am not opposed to it (though I probably wouldn't risk it on a toddler), but I am not going to drive around to local dairies trying to find someone willing to sell it (I think it's illegal to sell  in Missouri). If it's ever an option (it is the UK), I will try it. I do want to actually see the cream rise someday. So I will stick to my hormone free whole milk for now.

Next, is the subject of grass-fed meat. I suspect this will lead to smaller, leaner cows, and higher beef prices. I am not opposed-just need to find a source. However, wild salmon and nuts are a great way to get those healthy baby fats and proteins.

Planck isn't too big on grains, I think she advocates a more "caveman" sort of diet, but personally, into each life a little cous-cous and quinoa must fall, I think.

I doubt I will lose weight on this diet, but is fun to eat like the farmers of old did (now if I could just stop eating out and stay away from those damned pop-tarts).

Diapers!

Okay, I admit, I am just playing with the Amazon Associates buttons. But I use Kushies with Liam quite a bit, and I LOVE Amazon. Yes, it is a huge corporation destined to take over, but hey, I love them anyway.

I mean, even if they don't offer something, they usually have a picture to show it exists. Their recommendations are great, because I can find something new, then go search eBay for it. But I admit, I do by more books from then than Barnes and Noble. For one thing, they have a huge selection. I realize my carbon footprint is bigger when I have my books shipped, and I hate waiting 5 days for the super saver shipping, but then I remind myself, that in the past, mail order catalogs would take ages. Imagine if I were living in a remote area of say, Alaska. How long would shipping take then?

Finally bought a high chair

This is the high chair I bought for Liam. Overall, I love it. It is smallish, folds in half, with the tray on it, and isn't a big honking piece of plastic. The only drawback, is the back is all fabric, which means it slumps a bit, so it really is for an older baby. If you are the type who likes to prop up your four month old while you eat (because of course he isn't ready for solids at that age), then you might want the big honking piece of plastic.
I WANTED a cherry finished Jenny Lind wooden chair, but while Amazon has a photo of one, it was never available. This works though, and with free shipping, it was a great deal!