I have been working for one week now. Before I came back to work, the whole idea of working was scary and almost unreal. Now, I feel...well, it's hard to explain. Okay, I guess. And that is where the guilt comes in.
If I could maintain a decent lifestyle and be home, I would. No questions. But, since I AM the breadwinner in the family, that isn't happening (come on Powerball!). When I go to work, I don't think much about the baby. Why not? Because I am getting paid to do a job, and it's a hard, time-consuming job.
I worry that baby misses me. I worry that Karl can't give baby enough attention. But, not until I am in the car driving home. And then I walk in the door, grab my baby, head for bed and nurse him. As I pull the comforter around us, we are cocooned in our own private world, Liam and I, and things are right again. Friday night was the most wonderful feeling in the world, because I knew the weekend stretched before us. I woke up leisurely Saturday morning, nursed Liam, and we started playing our little games, and singing our little songs (okay, I did. He smiled).
I now understand the idea of quality time. I just wish to GOSH! that I didn't have to go to college this semester. We are counting on a little student loan money, but I wonder if we could make it without it? Because I don't want to put those hours in-not just yet.
Maybe I will just force myself to work an hour a night, after Liam falls asleep. I want to get through this degree and be done.
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